Saturday, February 16, 2013

Some unspoken rules of marriage

There are very few people on earth who are married and have not said one or both of these sentences at least once in the course of their marriage, “Getting married was the biggest mistake of my life” and “I never should have married you!”. Of course saying this does not always mean that the couple hates each other or their marriage will end, but it is just a sort of outburst that happens when things get tough.
Obviously, when one gets married they never hope to have to say such things but at times circumstances appear which lead you to end up blurting out such hateful comments. A lot of rocky situations in life are brought about by a few unintentional, extremely hurtful statements.
While honesty, loyalty, truthfulness are the core needs of a successful marriage there are also some unspoken rules that may make or break a marriage.
Refrain from criticising your in-laws or your spouse's friends
Whenever it comes to your family, they can tick you off but no one else can dare speak ill of them in front of you. It is for that very reason why you should tread carefully with your in-laws and your spouse's best friends. So no matter how much they get on your nerves do not impose your negativity on your spouse.

Tell your spouse about any encounters with an ex
Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run into an old flame at a coffee shop, keeping the news to yourself could backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. Needless to say, if there is nothing to hide, then why hide it? Hiding it adds to an air of secrecy which could end in your better half suspecting you for no valid reason at all.

Keep unsolicited advice to yourself
Offer your support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an "I know what's best" tone. This goes for everything from your spouse's outfit choices to how s/he deals with a work issue. Give your spouse space to make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error and ask that they do the same for you.

Don't bring up past arguments
Or at least put a statute of limitations on them. People repeat ancient disagreements because they haven't resolved the problem. Letting things fester often causes marriages to break down. It is important to address issues as they happen and come to some sort of resolution -- agreeing to disagree counts.

Choose your battles, but don't stifle your feelings
Shoes are going to be in the wrong places and the wet towels will be left on the bed. If you have a problem with that, try not to order your better half to stop doing it; explain to them why it bothers you. Also remember they do not intend to upset you every time they are being forgetful or sloppy.

Log off
When your attention is focused elsewhere, your spouse is bound to feel unimportant. So make quality time a top priority and restrict tech gadget use if necessary. Create a rule that works for your household and stick to it, whether it's no devices at the dinner table, shutting down phones at 9pm or going gadget-free on weekend afternoons.

Don't use the "D" word (divorce, that is)
Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags or head to the lawyer's office. Besides the "D" word being downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other's bluff. Threatening divorce is never useful, and it only makes the probability of separation more likely.

Be each other's number one
In other words, be wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work or hobbies competing for your attention. Happy couples have just as much conflict as those who divorce, but they know ways to get through it. A couple has to have a strong boundary around themselves that does not allow anybody to get in between.

By Karishma Ameen
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